I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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