Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
