everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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