Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize