Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
