he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
