I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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