Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I didn't notice because vodka
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
