Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
