Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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