So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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