can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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