At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
