My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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