We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
