took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
