her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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