It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
