Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
