I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
