Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
