I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
