Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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