he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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