i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
