just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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