I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
