if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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