I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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