I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
