I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
