Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
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She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
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also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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