Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.