I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party