I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.