mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Success! We fucked roommates!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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