then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
