i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
