im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
