Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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