My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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