I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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