I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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