bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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