At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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