i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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