Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
