Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
