Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
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If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
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Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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