She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
