You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
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relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
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The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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