it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
