saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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