Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
