Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
